A Love That Fulfills
This post was written by Colleen M. Check out her blog for more inspirational posts!
As women, we often feel like the only way to truly feel fulfilled is to be loved in a romantic relationship. If we are being complimented or validated by a boy we feel more beautiful. At a young age we learn that by wearing things or acting a certain way we get more attention from boys. Quickly, this attention can become our only sense of validation & yes I am choosing to use the word “boy” because men are mature enough to look beyond a woman’s physical appearance. We need this feeling of fulfillment more and more and feel strange or discouraged when we may be experiencing a season of singleness.
Growing up I always liked the attention from boys, who wouldn’t? I would always romanticize these relationships, even when they were blatantly toxic or merely physical. I was blind to it all. I would continuously get caught up in these relationships and would feel lonely if I did not have a boy in my life. I had a four year long relationship in high school with a boy that did not bring me true happiness. I felt used by him and like I had to become someone he wanted. Following this relationship, I entered several other relationships/flings that prioritized physical acts or my appearance. Most of the time, I felt as though the guys I was with only liked me for my looks and not my personality. This took me a long time to realize. I thought being loved by someone meant they loved me on the outside and I did not realize to fully love someone you love every flaw as well. I was involved with a guy at my college that manipulated me and made me feel like the most important girl in the world and then would be seen hooking up with another girl the same night. He lied to me and made me feel crazy. He would follow me, unfollow, then follow me on Instagram to only play with me. He would text me in the middle of the night, after I had moved on, just to spark my feelings for him again. This was the closest thing to emotional abuse I’ve ever faced. This was my lowest point in my college years and I truly felt so distraught with myself. Looking back now, I can see how I was living a life of sin. I was prioritizing the wrong things, drinking too much in college, not prioritizing school work, and certainly not putting God first. After this low point, I was finally done and had almost given up on love or even relationships at all. Because of my experiences with these boys, it is hard for me to speak on the importance of a season of singleness because at the time I didn’t prioritize being single. I would strongly agree that having a season of singleness is incredibly important to have for yourself and for your relationship with God. During all of these relationships I did not have a strong faith so it would have been hard for me to understand the importance or even what a season of singleness really is. Although I do wish I had remained totally single instead of pursuing these unhealthy relationships, I would not change the past. I know through these challenges, God was able to strengthen me through them and show me the exact opposite of what I deserve in a man. Throughout all of these relationships, my most important relationship had not been formed yet, my relationship with God. It was not until my Junior year of college that I felt God’s love fill my heart.
As I was scrolling on Instagram one night, I came across a post that really made me think. The post read, “Until Jesus is enough for you, No person or thing will ever be” This was not a new thought to me. I had contemplated this many times before but I had never been able to put it in such perfect words. Until you have a relationship with God and Christ you will always be searching for things and relationships to fill your heart. You will be searching for them in all the wrong places. You may continue to start new relationships, new flings, in hopes that this time, will be it. That this time you will finally be happy, fulfilled and treated right. But that will never completely fulfill your heart. Because the only person who can fill your heart with that kind of love is our first love, Jesus Christ. Jesus loves you before you were even born into this world. He loves you fully, endlessly, overwhelmingly. You do not need to seek a man to have a fulfilling relationship with when you have had a man with you all along who loves you more than anyone can ever comprehend. Christ is always with you. He sees you at your absolute lowest and He loves you even stronger because of it. Once your heart is full of His love, you will have no room for the temporary love you may have been seeking before with those toxic relationships. Your heart and mind will be consumed with greater thoughts and you will want to only seek unconditional love like that from then on.
This thought also reminded me of a verse I had previously read from John chapter 4, Jesus’ conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well. “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again; but whoever drinks the water I shall give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” [ John 4:13 ] The same message is being conveyed in this verse. Whoever finds satisfaction solely from their earthly relationships, will always crave more and thirst more. It is not until you feel fulfilled through the love and the relationship of God and Jesus Christ that you will feel quenched from the everlasting love within you. Only then can you fully open your heart to love another.
As I had said with my past experiences with boys, I never felt fulfilled through these relationships and that was because I was searching for a love that could never be found from them. That was why I continuously faced heartbreak and pain. It was not until I finally took the time to prioritize myself and my faith with God that my heart was filled. It was not until I felt loved by God that my mind and heart felt clear and open. I was able to venture into a new relationship that had been tugging at my mind for years. I had a crush on an old friend who I knew in elementary school. He had moved away and we hadn’t been in contact for nearly 9 years. Despite this, I always wondered about him and felt butterflies in my stomach when I thought of him. I never considered taking any action until I had felt fulfilled by God’s love alone. I remember one night, lying awake, thinking about reaching out to him. I could not sleep that night and I continuously felt as though God was laying a message on my heart to take action and reach out to him after all these years. The very next day I sent him a message on Instagram. I asked how he was and apologized for the randomness, thinking he would think I was a creep for reaching out after nearly 9 years of no contact. We decided to meet up for a coffee date on Christmas eve day. I was beyond nervous and had to do breathing exercises in my car before meeting him (lol). I stood outside by the coffee shop and heard him say hello. I turned around to see him in person for the first time in a very long time. We immediately went in for a hug and began chatting as if we were best friends. Those 9 years melted away and it felt as though he had never left my life. From that moment on everything perfectly fell into place and our love came so naturally. It is impossible for me to not credit this love to God’s grace and his will for us.
A love as simple and natural as ours does not just come along from no where, I know I was meant to come back to him. My heart was finally fulfilled by the love of God and because of that it was ready to love a man that loved me unconditionally and would only bring me closer to heaven. The only reason I was only able to finally pursue him was because my heart fully loved myself and my God and was ready to fully love another like I had never loved before. I strongly believe that I had to endure those troubles in my past relationships in order to grow and prioritize how important it is to have a relationship that brings you closer to God.
But remember, to fully love God, we must first love his creation, ourselves. We love God indirectly by loving ourselves. If we focus on ourselves with a judgmental eye, critiquing every small imperfection, we are basically telling God his designs aren’t good. So as my last message to you,
